And then there was one

One more week until I move and I am surrounded by boxes. I am super organised but I must admit, I have done much less for this move then I would have normally done at this point. Usually I am so busy that everything is done really far in advance, but this time I haven't been as busy. So here I sit with one week left and about 20 hours worth of packing to do. Oh well. The popcorn and wine has been worth it.

Keep Calm and Carry On

After a fair amount of anxiety last week about my inability to embrace change, I spent the weekend kicking and screaming like an insolent and rebellious toddler. Come Monday, I decided to accept my inner crazy and move along, nothing to see here folks. Subsequent to said decision I have been spending each evening indulging in all my SSB (Super Single Behaviour) which includes, but is not limited to:

-Eating nothing but popcorn for dinner complimented with a large glass of red wine

-Watching really crap telly (Mistresses, The Hills, Gossip Girl) when I have a million other things I should be doing

-Staying in my PJ's all day when I work from home

-Taking an obscenely long bath before bed with only a candle lit, because we all look better by candle light

-Gossiping on the phone, while doing my nails and stalking people on FaceBook

-Going to bed silly early or ridiculously late

-Sleeping on the sofa, just because I love it*

Like an addict, I know I can give these things up anytime I want to. I am not hurting anyone, I have it under control. No one needs to know about this, it can be our secret.

*Truth be told, this does usually follow several drinks at an undisclosed West End wine bar with a certain Irish Blonde. Genuinely, I do love to sleep on my sofa every now and again though.

Difficult

I have this strange habit of staying friends with my ex's. CB can't understand it, although he's not too bothered by it. There are likely a million boring emotional reasons behind it. I'm sure a psychologist somewhere would have a field day unravelling it. Fact is, they hold a piece of my life in a capsule. The years I spent with each of them make up who I am today. With the exception of one who I am not really friends with, but am friendly toward when I run into him, they all treated me well and are good people. We just didn't make a good couple.

So during a particularly tough period in my life about five years ago, I was having a conversation with one of them. Let's call him LA Boy. I was dating, actually living with, Nature Boy at the time. We were really struggling and NB had explained to me that he loved me very much, despite the fact that I was very hard to love. So the following week in an IM convo with LA Boy (this is also the benefit of having ex's as friends, you can vet things with them that no one else knows about you) I posed the million dollar question, LA-Am I difficult to love? Was it a struggle for you to be in love with me? Oh the naivete of youth, I can't believe I even asked him that. LA Boy was shallow, is shallow. He lives in LA, it sorta comes with the territory. So naturally he replied, well, I don't know. Yeah, I guess. You aren't easy, that's for sure. You're definitely a challenge. I internalised this, marinated with it for awhile and then promptly left NB. I took a job in London and left my comfortable life behind in search of someone who didn't struggle to love me. Me. I realised at that very moment in time that if I had to ask the question, I needed to love myself a whole lot more before I could expect the same of another.

Fast Forward nearly 5 years, a lot of tears, a million smiles and more frequent flier miles then a Condor later and here we are. I did what I set out to do and I didn't let myself fall in love with another person until I felt safe in the knowledge that I could easily love myself. Now here I am ready to leap into what I see as a permanent step toward the end of my single life and well, I am freaking out a little. I have no reservations about the who this time. CB is amazing. He's everything I want; all things I didn't know I needed and then some. Quite simply I am afraid of failure. When I take those personality tests that Communications teams so often inflict, the one thing that appears constantly is that I will succeed in the face of opposition because my nature is to be anything but a failure. The tests also say I am Type A, overly sarcastic, hyper critical and rash; but who's counting? The thing is, I can't bear the thought of disappointing CB, but more then that, I can't bear the thought of disappointing myself. The Aries in me is screaming, DON'T SCREW THIS UP, so loud that I can hardly hear my poor little heart whispering, CB is a keeper GirlFriday, you can't screw it up.



Why can't I just be simple?

My life is boring

I guess not in the traditional sense of the word boring; I mean I am rarely in the same country for more then 7 days and I live in Central London. By GirlFriday standards however, things are really not exciting at the moment. Outside of work my time revolves around moving in 3 weeks, packing for the next trip, unpacking from the previous trip (which I have a horrible habit of either doing immediately or leaving for as long as possible) and throwing away or using up bath, shower, face and body products. Like I have said before, rock and roll people, rock and roll. Its given me some time to reflect though and I have to say, I am not as sad about leaving my posh little neighbourhood as I expected to be. More then anything, after close to 5 years living alone, it's more of a shock to the system to think of relinquishing my own space. It feels a bit irrational given the amount of time that CB and I already spend together (5 nights a week usually). But as a fellow blogger pointed out, I am a woman and am therefore mental. Hopefully not as mental as the woman in the photo though, apparently she sat on a toilet for 2 years.