The Ex Files

In preparation for the prospect of the end of my single life I as I knew it (also known as living in sin) I deliberated back in November over The Ex Files. Turned out we had to delay the move until March of this year, but never the less, the seed was planted. In the end I decided that one box wouldn't kill anyone but that I would go through the ex files this year before we moved and make a decision. I started weeding through some of it tonight and found more then just the cards and notes I had remembered stashing. I found ticket stubs and theatre programmes, long letters and foreign postcards, but the biggest surprise were all the photos. I made some observations:

• In our youth, I don't think we realise our beauty. In contrast with age I think we overlook the beauty that comes with wisdom in an endless search for the boobs/legs/arse we had at 24
• In the throws of falling head over heals one never thinks, when will this end
• Love means different things to different people
• I will always trust my instincts or at least try
• I will never again forget who I am regardless of who someone else wants me to be
• Love means learning how to say I'm sorry
• Beauty is truly skin deep
• A leopard never changes their spots
• Laugh and the world laughs with you, one drink too many and the world laughs at you
• People can come and go in life but you always take bits of them with you

Most importantly I genuinely feel that all of the heartbreak and drama, the does he doesn't he, the will he won't he, the tears, the anger...it's all behind me. In the best way possible, I feel like my single life as I knew is ending soon. For the first time ever I am excited rather then afraid of that. I think the Ex Files might be ready for disposal.

Train Rage

Driving cultures have coined the term road rage, there should be urban slang for public transport rage. Look no further. Your resident expert with misdirected anger is on the case. I have what I call an "outburst" probably once every 3 months. It's transport rage in general, but it tends to unleash itself on the trains and tubes. Maybe it's because buses often necessitate being stuck with your fellow passengers for longer or maybe it's the series of events that lead up to my time on the train. This morning, for instance, after a string of mishaps in getting out of the house (coffee flying everywhere in the kitchen, stubbing my toe on the corner of the bathtub, mascara running out...you know the likes) I finally made my way to the tube. I am addicted to the new Snow Patrol and was bopping along to The Planets Between Us when some nanny with a massive pram and 2 toddlers in tow nearly mowed me down. Relegated to walking in the street, I then stepped in a massive puddle. Lovely. Once back on the sidewalk, I nearly slide on dog poo. Why people do not pick up after their dogs is beyond me. If you aren't responsible enough to save your neighbours from the threat of blindness you shouldn't be allowed to own a dog. I was then hooted and hollered at as I walked by the street works. It's like 3 degrees in London right now. I am wearing about 4 layers including woolly tights (which are now splattered with mud), scarf, coat....WHAT IS ATTRACTIVE ABOUT THAT? Huh? WHAT?! So, now I am in a right foul mood as I carry on through the barriers to wait for the tube. Super crowded this morning for some reason, so after grabbing a pole I was shoved and pushed from every angle. Made it to Paddington only to find that I had to hike up the 5 flights of stairs as the escalator was packed and I was already running late. Layers coming off now, I was sweating like a whore in church as I ascend onto the platform and saw that all 5 self service ticket machines were occupied by dumb, dumber and dumbest. Eventually got my tickets with 3 minutes to spare and dashed for the train. One of the massive disadvantages to being a tiny girl is that I get shoved, kicked and generally knocked about completely unintentionally. I think there are a lot of rude people, fair enough, but half of the time that I get smashed into, I am convinced it's actually an accident. Luckily I have the chutzpah of a 6ft tall line backer. So after nearly being knocked into the gap, I get on the train and breath a sigh of relief. I go to the quiet carriage where there are loads of seats. No sooner then I had sat down and begun to cool off, some very very large man stands in front of me asking to get into the seat next to me. I look around and there are empty seats everywhere. WHY my seat? I am in the back, not well located, clearly schvitzing and not socially acceptable to sit next to. He sees me looking around the train at all the other empty seats. He takes that as a sign that I am not going to get out to let him in, even though I am already standing up to try and inch out. He then starts to try and squeeze past me. ERM, Excuse me, Sir? Where is the fire? I am getting out if you will give me 2 seconds. Oblivious he carries on. ERM, SIR EXCUSE ME. He looks at me like I am the one who is being unreasonable. I get out he gets in, but the beast has already been unleashed. He gets in and is spilling into my seat leaving me about an inch of non contact space. Sod it, I thought, and got up to leave. You don't have to be rude, he shouts. ME? ME? I AM RUDE? Bugger off you prick.




That's my outburst done for the first quarter of the year.

The air I breath

Everything is relative, I know that now beyond a shadow of a doubt. One person's nightmare is another person's dream, while someone else's worst fear is my joy. In my quest to enjoy life more and to slow down this year, I made a resolve to shorten the length of my business trips. I spent January testing this out. My conclusion is that it leaves me a bit worse for wear as I struggle to fit too much into too little of a space. I have hardly come up for air this month, I have been so busy at work. I am seeing two girlfriends tonight for a cheap and cheerful dinner and if I am honest it's the first social interaction I have had since NYE (save a quick sushi session with another mate a couple of weeks back). My perspective on luxury and necessity has become incredibly skewed as I spend more nights in hotels during the month then I spend at home. When I am back in London, some mornings I shake my head in disbelief that the newspaper hasn't been hung on my front door and that when I get home from work my flat is in the messy state it was when I left. HELLLO! I would like a new towel please and can someone at least dust for me? Fact. In London dust accumulates no matter how much or how little you are actually in your flat.

And so it was that fell into bed last night after the longest week I can remember and a dreadful flight back from the Middle East. CB was dancing and singing and generally being far too chipper in my opinion, so I attempted to end the hyper spurt by asking for "inside voices." He quickly reminded me that he hadn't done his teeth and gone to bed at 8:30 since he was a child. Fair enough I thought and realised that in my little world, it felt like it was as late as could be. That's the trouble with perceptions though, they are all relative.

Start as you mean to carry on

When I read a book, especially a great book, it takes me nearly as much time to read the last few chapters as it did the rest of the story. If I'm really enjoying a read, I don't want it to end. I don't want the words to stop seeping into my conscience. Similarly when a year has been good, I hold on to the last few days with an irrational fear that ushering in a new year presents the risk of losing the goodness of the past year. I've learned, however, that it's possible for each year to get better and that all the positive experiences and disappointments from the previous years make the successes that much sweeter.

There are loads of conventional things that I don't believe in, New Years resolutions are one of them. I think commitments made in the wake of Decembers general over indulgences are bound to fail. My view is that goals should be set and checked continually through the year. I think the idea that setting New Year's resolutions absolves one of general responsibility for the remainder of the year is rubbish.

Last year was smashing by all accounts for me, but it went so quickly I feel like I blinked in January and I opened my eyes in December. Each year seems to go by quicker, but I guess when we were kids the adults always warned us that would happen. If I can achieve one thing this year both personally and professionally, it will be to learn to slow down and enjoy the here and now before tomorrow is gone. With the happiness that 2008 brought me I practiced this intentionally and willfully for the last couple weeks of the year. I ate, drank, slept and enjoyed the company of friends and loved ones. Great at the time with two weeks off work, but Monday was a bit of a shock to the system. That said, I am stopping to smell the roses more often. Well, admire the ice as it may be, it's really too cold to smell anything right now.

*Sorry for the lack of pretty pictures, something is wrong with Blogger tonight